Jokes and Funny Stories
Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae.The rset can be a
total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
What do you think???
1. How Do You Catch A Unique bird? Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch A Tame bird? Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest? They Take The Psycho Path
4. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours? Nacho Cheese.
5. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers? Subordinate Clauses.
6. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? Quattro Sinko.
7. What Do You Get From A Pampered Cow? Spoiled milk
8. What Do You Get When You Cross A Snowman With A Vampire? Frostbite.
9. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? A Nervous Wreck.
10. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? Sanka.
11. What Is The Difference Between A Harley And A Hoover? The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
12. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down? Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
13. How Are A Texas Tornado and a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose a Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile! Have a great Day, OK?
One Liners
Gray hair is God's grafitti. Bill Cosby Committee: a group of the unfit, appointed by the unwilling, to do the unnecessary The optimist is someone who tells you to cheer up when things are going his way. If at first you don't succeed, stay away from skydiving. Milton Berle After thirty, a body has a mind of its own. Bette Midler (Think about it.) We need a 12-step group for compulsive talkers. They could call it-- On Anon Anon
I put a dollar in the change machine. Nothing changed. George Carlin Income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf. Will Rogers Laugh and the class laughs with you, but you get detention alone.A little boy was in a relatives wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the RING BEAR."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He said, "Call for backup."
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1962."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"
THOSE FLORIDA DRIVERS
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her
situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering
wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The
dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few
minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got
in the back-seat by mistake.
The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a new restaurant, and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"
The first man knits his brow in obvious concentration, and finally says to his companion: "Aahh, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"
His friend replies: "A carnation?"
"No, no. The other one," the man says.
His friend offers another suggestion: "The poppy?"
"Nahhhh," growls the man. "You know - the one that is red and has thorns."
His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
INTERNATIONAL THINKING AT ITS BEST!
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death.
Question: How come?
Answer:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the spelling)
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an American,
using Bill Gates's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....
That, my friends, is Globalization.
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone
rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urg! ently warning him,
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the
wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!" "Dang," said
Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
Teacher: "Sam, what is the outside of a tree called?"
Sam: "I don’t know."
Teacher: "Bark, Sam, bark."
Sam: "Bow, wow, wow!"
The Truck Driver and the Bridge
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "low bridge ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks
around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got
stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge
and ran out of gas."
A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little girl was wide eyed, taking this in. At last she said, "I sure wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
Caught for Speeding:
The cop got out of his car and the kid, that was stopped for speeding, rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Customer: I'd like a steak, and please make it lean.
Waiter: Yes, sir. Which way?
Doc, I think I'm a bridge.
What's come over you?
So far, three cars, a truck, and a bus.
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"
"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
The child comes home from his first day at school.
Mother asks, "What did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."
An elephant is drinking out of a river when he spots a turtle asleep on a log. The elephant ambles over and kicks the unsuspecting turtle clear across the river.
"Why did you do that?" asks a passing giraffe.
"Because I recognized it as the same turtle that took a nip out of my trunk 47 years ago."
"Wow, what a memory!" says the giraffe.
"Yes," says the elephant. "Turtle recall."
A rope enters a restaurant. The waiter says, I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here! So the rope leaves heartbroken. He goes around the corner and ties himself in a knot, and frays his hair a little. He goes back into the restaurant, and the waiter says, 'didn't I just tell you we don't serve your kind?' and the rope said, 'I'm a fraid not!'
When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not sure."
"Look in your underwear, Grandma," he advised. "Mine says I'm four."
A Woman's Makeover
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God said, No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
submitted by ddpigg
Grandma like God?
My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while I asked, "No, how are we alike?"
"You're both old," he replied.
Small Girl Writing a Story
A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father's word processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he asked.
"I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
Grandma and Her Colors
I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!"
Our five-year-old son Mark couldn't wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea. The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed.
In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What caused the submarine to sink?"
With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!"
The Mosquitoes with Flashlights
When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights."
